And the winners are ... not who you think
The Barky Awards recognize 2023’s achievements (and other dubious accomplishments)
Welcome to the second Barky Awards Ceremony. Sorry for the delay, which was caused by you people getting absolutely giddy about Tiger Woods reappearing in December.
It’s true. Woods finished 18th out of 20 players in the Hero World Challenge, the invitational outing he hosts in the Bahamas. Impressive? Obviously, since two players didn’t beat him. And Woods racked up 2.4 Official World Golf Ranking points, which vaulted him from No. 1328 in the world to No. 898. Yes, a 20-man scramble should totally be worth 430 spots in the world rankings. Well bowled, OWGR.
Then Woods and his son, Charley, competed in the PNC Championship, the made-for-TV father-son tourney. They tied for fifth. How they didn’t earn Official World Golf Ranking points for that should warrant a Congressional hearing, which always means prompt legislative action.
Why are these awards known as Barkys, you wonder? In golf, it’s called a barky when you hit one (or more) trees with a shot and somehow make a par. It’s the highest honor in golf, especially for those who don’t make birdies and who are never, ever going to make a hole-in-one. Some say the Barkys are bigger than the Masters. Some also say Magellan may have been an alien. We can agree to disagree.
The point is, no actual trees were harmed in the making of these awards. Dinged, yes. But not harmed (except emotionally).
OFFICIAL BARKY STROKE OF GENIUS
You were expecting, maybe, Michael Block? Nope. The most important shot of the year was the crazy, totally unexpected 72-foot eagle putt holed by Canadian Nick Taylor to beat Tommy Fleetwood and win the RBC Canadian Open. It was huge because Canadians love golf but haven’t had much to really get excited about in men’s pro golf since the Mike Weir Era (which is hard to say out loud, actually). Our Canadian Barky-buddies are also very provincial and the Open celebration got wild because no Canadian had won the national open since 1954. The party may still be going on. In honor of the huge moment, the tournament changed its logo to a silhouette of Taylor making the historic putt.
Vans’ take: It was almost as big as the Maple Leafs finally winning a playoff series last year.
UNOFFICIAL BARKY STROKE OF GENIUS
Jay Stocki, a semi-retired ad salesman from Downers Grove, Illinois, set a Guinness World Record for longest non-tournament putt made in September when he sank a 401-foot, 2-inch putt at The Baths, part of the Blackwolf Run golf complex in Kohler, Wisconsin.
Vans’ take: Stocki can neither confirm nor deny that he drank a Guinness Ale to celebrate the epic moment. Champagne? Yes, he absolutely confirms that. No word on cheese curds, though.
REAL MEANING OF LABOR DAY AWARD
Phil Mickelson was asked, pre-framework agreement, to rate LIV Golf’s greatest accomplishment: “It’s provided 48 new professional golf opportunities at the highest pay, which is incredible.”
Vans’ take: Mainly if you’re one of those 48 beneficiaries, but especially if you got $200 million to jump ship and racked up zero wins and only one top-10 finish (an 8th-place finish) in two years versus mini fields of 47 other guys. A refund may be in order.
MAJOR ACHIEVEMENTS
Masters: Jon Rahm wins on Spanish legend Seve Ballesteros’ birthday.
Vans’ take: In Spanish: Ole! In Southern: Dang, son!
PGA: Brooks Koepka reprises his role as golf’s best closer.
Vans’ take: FYI, Rory, his is how it’s done.
U.S. Open: Wyndham Clark lives up to his nickname, “Winner.”
Vans’ take: But in what world do players drive a par-4 green with an iron in a U.S. Open? Los Angeles Country Club as a major venue was as fake as a Hollywood set.
British Open: Brian Harman wins the boring chess match presented by Royal Liverpool and its lame internal out-of-bounds areas.
Vans’ take: It’s great fun watching Harman dink-and-dunk his way to a title and annoy British media with tales of something they can’t grasp — hunting. Hence hilarious tabloid headlines such as “Brian the Butcher” and “I Shoot to Thrill.”
LIARS POKER ALL-STARS
Congrats and a Barky to each of the following champion bluffers:
Patrick Reed claimed he was “100 percent certain” he could identify his ball stuck high in a palm tree during the Hero Dubai Desert Classic, even though video clearly showed his ball went into a different tree. The dubious ruling helped Reed finish second by one stroke to Rory McIlroy.
Vans’ take: Even Superman would’ve had a hard time identifying that ball in the wrong tree.
Brooks Koepka and caddie Ricky Elliott violated the rule about giving advice when cameras during the Masters Tournament caught Elliott mouthing the word, “Five,” twice toward Gary Woodland and his caddie. Koepka, so sure he’s smarter than all of us, removed his glove and waggled five fingers to signal Woodland he’d just hit a 5-iron. The players and caddies claimed innocence and Masters officials let it slide. But Golf Channel’s Paul McGinley wasn’t buying it. “It’s very obvious,” McGinley said on the air. “It’s staggering that they’ve denied it because the evidence is there.”
Vans’ take: Yeah, what he said.
Rahm claimed PGA Tour loyalty and total disinterest in LIV Golf since the latter’s inception. He said in 2022 his lifestyle would “not change one bit” if he got $400 million (an interesting choice of numbers, it turned out); he “never played golf for monetary reasons” and “my heart” is with the PGA Tour” and he believed “some punishment should be in order” for LIV defectors who wanted to return; plus, “I laugh when people rumor me with LIV Golf, I’ve never liked the format.”
In December, Rahm jumped to LIV for a reported $400 million (sheer coincidence), said he liked LIV’s product and “playing in countries I’ve never been to” (what, like LIV’s 2024 schedule Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Spain and the U.K.?). Rahm then clammed up, said he wouldn’t comment further because “I’m not allowed to,” although a LIV spokesperson said the tour had no restrictions on him.
Vans’ take: Oh, “I’m not allowed to” means “I can’t defend my hypocritical turnabout or my claim about not playing for monetary reasons so I’m going to hide in the bathroom with my Green Jacket for a couple of months.”
PGA Tour commissioner Jay Monahan earns captain’s honors for this year’s squad after his anti-LIV missives included talking about families close to him who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks, committed by Saudis, whose government is backing LIV. He asked tour players, “Have you ever had to apologize for being a PGA Tour member?” On June 6, Monahan stunned the world by announcing an agreement with LIV Golf. “I recognize people are going to call me a hypocrite,” Monahan said. “Anytime I said anything, I said it with the information I had in the moment.”
Vans’ take: This “information” just in, Chief. The Saudis were still behind 9/11.
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MORE FROM GARY VAN SICKLE
> Curiosity about the state of Tiger Woods is high
> Tiger, Tiger, Tiger ... it's Tiger time
> LIV Golf players want rankings? Well, here you go
> Won't you be my sim neighbor?
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$36 MILLION MAN AWARD
It’s a funny thing about the player who arguably had the most successful year in professional golf — Talor Gooch. He won three LIV Golf outings, snagged the circuit’s $18 million bonus and cleared $36.2 million in earnings, including team bonuses. But oh, he slipped out of the world rankings’ top 300 in 2023 and is not eligible for any of golf’s four major championships in 2024.
Vans’ take: His bank statement is understandably inconsolable about that.
DIRE STRAITS AWARD
Woods finished six rounds of golf on the PGA Tour in 2023, then had ankle-fusion surgery. (He deserves a Barky just for surviving that ordeal.) His year-end reward was $12 million in Player Impact Performance money on account of, well, still being Tiger Woods. He finished second to McIlroy, who got $15 mil, in the PIP rankings that are allegedly based on a secret formula of social media metrics.
Vans’ take: “Money for nothing and your chicks for free. Now that ain’t working, that’s the way you do it …” — Dire Straits
SMARTEST USE OF INSTANT REPLAY
An Ohio high-school sophomore was on the tee at a par-3 hole during a July charity outing and participating teams could use his tee shot on that hole instead of theirs for a $20 donation. The sophomore, Joseph Maloof, using his 50-degree wedge on the 120-yard hole, made three aces during the day. What’s rarer, three aces in one day or three on the same hole in one day? Unbelievable.
Vans’ take: Don’t hate him because he made three aces, hate him because he’s only 15. Do we have to give him three Barkys, too?
WORST USE OF INSTANT REPLAY
You had to see it to believe it. Corey Conners plays a 9-iron from the fairway bunker at Oak Hill’s 16th hole in the PGA Championship’s third round. He inexplicably plows it into the bunker face and it takes Indiana Jones and a crew of diggers to find the ball.
The next day, Viktor Hovland drives it into the same bunker, hits 9-iron out and does the same thing. This time, the bunker face required a colonoscopy to find his ball. Two top tour players can’t get 9-iron shots up and out of a bunker? Sorcery.
Vans’ take: Also, name two guys who didn’t win the PGA Championship.
ONLY REAL HIGHLIGHT OF THE PGA TOUR-LIV GOLF FRAMEWORK AGREEMENT
McIlroy, the day after the agreement was announced: “I still hate LIV. I hate them. I hope it goes away.”
Vans’ take: Don’t look, Rors. Still here. But your honesty is inspiring.
BEST WEAPONIZING OF PAJAMAS
European Ryder Cup captain Luke Donald posted a photo on Instagram of himself and his beautiful family lounging on a couch in blue-and-gold pajamas with Ryder Cup logos on them. Very Barky-worthy, if not Christmas-card worthy.
Just in case you forgot who totally out-captained the losing Ryder Cup team, it’s this guy.
THINGS YOU MIGHTA MISSED BARKYS
> Bryson DeChambeau shot 58 at LIV Golf Greenbrier in August.
Vans’ take: So it probably counts.
> NBC Golf, in cost-cutting mode, replaced main analyst Paul Azinger with Kevin Kisner.
Vans’ take: TBD — To Be Deciphered.
> Lexi Thompson dead-shanked a chip shot at the 18th hole during the Solheim Cup’s first day of action, costing Team USA half a point. It kind of mattered on Sunday afternoon when the U.S. tied with Europe, meaning Europe kept the Cup.
Vans’ take: Reminder yet again how Ryder/Solheim Cups stick to a player. You can go 3-1 as Thompson did but that shank is what we remember. Or you can be Rory McIlroy screaming at a caddie in the parking lot or Patrick Cantlay’s missing hat.
> McIlroy, Scottie Scheffler, Jordan Spieth and Tyrrell Hatton were part of a five-way tie late at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Which of those stars won the API? Uh, the fifth guy, little-known Kurt Kitayama, whose clutch birdie at the 17th hole was the difference. He quietly finished fourth at the PGA Championship, too.
Vans’ take: Kitayama missed seven cuts and didn’t make the Tour Championship but the API champ’s official Red Cardigan looks good on him.
> The RSM Classic gets overshadowed as the PGA Tour’s final stop but Ludvig Aberg stamped himself as a rising star with an impressive win at Sea Island, Georgia. He also looked stud-like in Europe’s stomping of the U.S. at the Ryder Cup.
Vans’ take: You probably missed Aberg’s RSM Classic final-round moment while being entranced by the Browns’ scintillating 13-10 win over the Steelers.
BEST SHOWING BY A BLOCKHEAD
Those were 15 sweet minutes of fame for club pro Michael Block. He played his way into a final-round pairing with McIlroy at the PGA Championship, struggled under the spotlight of sorta-kinda being in contention, then jarred an ace on the fly at the 16th hole. CBS Sports made hay with that moment and a cult hero was born. That ace, plus a clutch up-and-down for par on the final hole earned Block a return invite to the 2024 PGA Championship.
Vans’ take: The only way he tops last year is by getting Paige Spiranac or Aaron Rodgers to caddie for him.
RISE OF THE GEEZERS
You would think Bernhard Langer would be the senior of the year, what with winning the U.S. Senior Open to break Hale Irwin’s record for most senior tour wins, 45. And Langer got to 46 with a major at age 65.
But in 2023, PGA Tour Champions was more like PGA Tour Stricker. Steve Stricker finished first or second in 11 of his 16 Champions events, including three major titles. Plus, a local craft brewery in Stevens Point, Wisconsin, just down the street from the U.S. Senior Open venue, created a beer in the Wisconsin native’s honor — Strick9 — and it was available in the player locker room.
Vans’ take: Free beer for players? Give this man a parade.
BEST SHOWING BY A CORN-FLAVORED PILSNER
See above.
Vans’ take: Duh. Strick9 got a 3.9 rating outta 5 on Untappd.
SHARKY BARKY
The Barky Awards staff wins a Special Commendation for putting together an entire year-end report without mentioning Greg Norman.
Vans’ take: Dangnabbit, we just blew it! And we were so close!
MOST ASTUTE ANALYSIS BY A VOLUNTEER MARSHAL
A Waste Management Phoenix Open marshal on the event’s big crowds: “It’s a golf tournament for the first hour every day. Then it turns into a party.”
Vans’ take: In the words of the philosopher, Homer (Simpson): “Beer me, Marge.”
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Barkys also not politically correct as the others. altho that's not hard. thx for reading!--vans
thx for reading. !!--vans